Latest Book - Tears In Heaven Publishing Soon!

(Note:Once published this blog will be deleted

due to legal publishing rights adherence. Read

it NOW for free! No kidding!).

Want to know more about Hady Mirza –Singapore Idol 2006

in his school days?

How was Ken Lim –‘Singapore Idol’ and ’Live The Dream’ Chief

Judge, in his younger days and beyond? Find out how one day

Ken Lim begged this author to get him out of a dilemma.

Find out how this author knows so much about them!!

Their never-made-public news!

Obviously the above liners are just teasers…but they are true

stories about Hady and Ken Lim unveiled within the nuggets

of this book.

But more importantly, I would like to introduce to you a more

important person in my life.

This is my story of someone so dear and near to my heart,

and yet so distant. Full of more emotion and feeling than

perhaps fact. Writing, like reading, is a voyage of unearthing.

I may not write the great novel, but I sure have lived it. My

ideal reader is like a best friend - who would gain the most

from you. The pen, I realised, would speak to people you

did not know, in places you would never go in ways you

never could.

I dislike having my life dissected for public consumption.

Sometimes, there was the fear of hurting others with too

much honesty; or at times, emotions were still too raw

to be given form with words.

Wait, hold your horses.

I am a novice scribe. Writing does not come naturally

to me. There are the dry spells. The proverbial writer's

block. I abandoned writing for a long period because

of the prolonged spells. Inside, it's like there's a huge

ball of jumbled words, feelings welling up, just

desperately needing to find an outlet.

Some of the pieces are too abrupt, others too wordy,

but it is my first book, and it has a special place in

my heart.

Writing this book was never in my heart as I do not

wish to be perceived as collecting merits for myself

and my family. It was a painful & liberating process. It was painful but priceless. At times I was completely

lost in my own world, drowned in the eerie silence.

The same emotional baggage that burdens my soul.

These words are ancient jewels mined from the quarry

of my life. Nothing dramatic here, just the hard reality

of life. Sometimes I feel lonely, but I insist on

applauding myself and throwing myself a feast. There are moments when I have the overwhelming need to dissect

troubling feelings and thoughts through writing but there always seem

to be some emotional obstacles.

I slept under the hypnosis of social conditioning. What are you doing?

Ask yourself. Am I in a state of denial? Or having a tryst with destiny? As a Christian, I merely need to fully enjoy the grace of God through

the finished work of Jesus on the cross. No amount of good work

can earn me His grace and salvation of God. Just receive His

blessings and not work for it. It is that simple.(Romans Chapter 11

Verse 6). But through His love bring forth good works. It leaves me

airborne and suspended by his grace. When you put your life in God's

hands, He will make all things beautiful.

Gone Baby Gone

I was recently struck by pieces of dreadful news which I could have

just filed away. Any family who has a new - born Down Syndrome

baby would have been punctured deeply by grieve. Their eyes burnt

with warm tears of anguish and anger. Grief is often muted, even

private. Wallowing in self-pity and mourning for the perfect baby

they had lost. What they wanted, did not come. What came, they

did not want. Tears in heaven - Jesus wept. He cries with you.

It was not from God. And I do not pretend to have the answer.

I like the answer ' I don't know' than to have pastors decree the

death sentence to your already dead situation.

We are living in a fallen world. In our buttoned-up society,

having a Down Syndrome child seems to be a taboo. It strips

away the gloss of today's success to reveal the scars of humanity.

Nobody's Child

In my own life, I grew up with a Down Syndrome child in my family.

And it has been for the last forty-three years.

This child is not my own neither was from my family nor relatives.

A child from a complete stranger - totally not related to my family.

Why? The obvious thought in anybody's mind. Was it for money,

fame, shame or name sake? Read on.....but prepare your heart...

I could not just cache these treasure trove of moments and let it

frozen in time. Each person cocooned in his own separate life

I felt the season has come to open windows into men's souls

on these experiences. I feel I'm a full-time missionary, and a

full-time lecturer too.

It is not my intention to make this book a nostalgic echo of my

experiences neither it is going to be a high-octane thriller.

But I hope to share some touching moments, my struggles

and joy in bringing up a Down Syndrome girl, Ivy Tham.

For all these years, I have never trumpeted my toil with Ivy.

Hardly anyone knew of my labour with a Down Syndrome girl

in my life. If I'm working for a standing ovation through this,

it must have been a very foolish effort. For the pains, struggle

and the challenges, there is other sure and easier ways to

achieve it. There is no need or desire to impress others. This also gives me another strong impetus to write this book

in setting right the fallacy. The facts are true, no names have

been changed.

`Back to the future'

I felt deflated. My mind and heart have been unconsciously

working in tandem like a self-activated videotape constantly

playing back memories, bringing back dormant images

that now take on a new meaning. I felt I had taken a ride back

in time. At certain point, some heart-wrenching moments were

invoked.

Ivy seemed like a flawed angel or a tragic victim of a fallen

conspiracy. The tragedy was not in dollars and cents. More

importantly, I hope, as you journey with me through the long

passage of time that you would be exalted in your heart in

caring and loving for a Down Syndrome child.

Silence from Heaven

Ivy -born in January the 13th 1964, her life hangs by a thread -

a complete vegetable, Down Syndrome and hole-in-the-heart.

She was just a bag of bones, literally and unexaggerated.

She was born tragically in the midst of her parents' divorce.

Her mother tried unsuccessfully to abort her through dubious

Chinese drugs. It was a prevalent and common abortion practice

in the sixties.

In the cold wintry night, Ivy was pushed out into the world.

The angels were silenced, clasped not in prayer but hiding

their tears that warmed their porcelain faces. Their arms of

grace were cold and weary. Along the dark corridors of the

old Kandang Kerbau Hospital , many dreams of the storks

ushering the beautiful baby didn't come true. Darkness

reigned, the guardian angels fluttered away, so did her

own father and two elder sisters whom has never seen her

since birth.

Ivy's almost lifeless body along with her twisted arms and

legs awaiting to meet the Creator of the Heaven and Earth.

Where the heck was Superman, to wrangle her away from the

hounding evil forces of society. With tubes and wires sticking

into her body, her half-stale vegetable state lied lukewarm. Meanwhile, her mother was in no better state of mind and body.

The Ministry of Social Welfare officials were at hand, knowing

that Ivy would need a foster home to see her through,

for a long time to come. Her Bata factory-operator mother was

self-supportive with two other children, aged four and seven.

Her husband had already left her for good. With her meagre

earnings, seeing through the day-to-day expenses in itself is

not going to be easy. Let alone having to look after a Down

Syndrome and handicapped child.

The Ministry then contacted my mother whom had been a

registered foster mother. While Ivy was still on the hospital

bed, my mother visited her with the officials. 'This is Ivy Tham

Chui Heong, from a broken family. She is completely bed-ridden

and would be for a long time. She will receive free medical care,

but you will have to fetch her to the Singapore General Hospital

for treatment and checkup very often. Because she has a hole-in-

the-heart plus other health problems' the ady official looked

resigned and sighed. She pleaded with my mother to take up

this challenge to help Ivy. For $60 a month. A few other foster

mothers had rejected this request, for an obvious reason.

It was not the money but evidently it was going to be tough

and draining. Somehow my mother took it up to foster Ivy.

Of course, she knows what she was in for. I was only seven

years old then, the youngest in our family of six. I was too

young to know the implications of having Ivy into our home.

I was in fact mesmerised by a young baby so contorted

in her body and face. I pulled back in awe and was afraid

to come near Ivy.

In the years ahead, the promise of hard work and toil never fail

to come. I remembered clearly how my mother had to painstakingly

prop her up with pillows around her lest she toppled over while

seated. Ivy did not even had an ounce of energy of her own to turn

her back. She laid flat on her back most of the time, her skull

behind was flattened which is still evident today.

In all, it took the full sixteen years for her to progress from the

baby cot to walking unaided. A feat in which a normal child

would take only about fifteen months. In between the years, there were countless trips to the hospital

come rain or shine. Taking the Tay Koh Yat bus in the sixties

was a perilous task. I had to piggy-back Ivy and rushed for the bus.

Even before I could hit on the second step, the bus would rush

away with turbo-charged speed. Under the hot pelting sun,

the slope to SGH was always an uphill task. The efforts were

well rewarded through the intensive healthcare and love for Ivy,

she grew in good stead. Within the neighbourhood, she was

always an icon. Through the years, people were appalled

and perplexed by the pains that my mother was willing to

persevere for Ivy.

Each day Ivy lives in her own freedom, full of joy and peace not

knowing a single thought of her background. Her mental age

is less a two-year old child till today. But behind her joy, people

are oblivious to the daily struggle that my mother went through.

Every single task has to be done for her, from changing,

bathing , to the toilet visit. At times, she would pass her motion

or urine right where she is seated, it still happens till now, commonly. But for 21 years, she was brought up in the warm harness of our

home.Even with her disabilities, she has a great zest for life

and a high threshold of pain. I have seen more pain in her than you

and I would ever experience in a lifetime.

The unconditional love for her from our family conquers it all.

It was definitely not a battery-powered love. She learnt to

walk and ride a tricycle at a late age of sixteen, in itself a miracle.

She lives in her own world of silence and peace, with a mental

age of not more than two.

Ivy – Her Angelic Grace

Though she possesses a child syndrome, she has the feline

grace . She is so charming and can be very disarming. In my

previous job in the stressful disk drive industries, I was often

burnt out each day. But many a time she has an ever ready

smile that surely captures my heart. Her innocence is very moving.

I bought for her a $120 rattan chair with a specially tailored

height. With her sleek, tender and soft body, she could

contort her legs around her neck elegantly. A common feat

she accomplished with dexterity.

Around the age of 20, about 4 years after her new-found freedom

of walking ability, she would perform the act of a junior escape artiste.

When no one was around the hall, she would sneak out and cleverly

climbed two flights of stairs up to the fifth storey of the apartments

we lived in, bare-footed. By the time we had discovered her

disappearing act, frantically we would launch a sweeping search.

When found, she would give a hilarious laugh, kicking joyfully.

She won - in her own way. She was such a live-wire. At other times, if anyone happens to sit with their back behind her,

she would wittingly deliver a real solid wrist punch on their back.

During her less merciful moments, she would deliver a swift

and powerful punch or kick.

Sometimes, when we go out, people notice how different she

is and stare. And children look at her and get scared.

But we take it all in our stride. We just tell ourselves that

people stare because she looked unusual - no malice intended.

Earthly Hades

In 1985, at the age of 21, that dream of a happy home cringed

into a broken mirror and her end was near. Her dream faded

fast. Her own aged mother decided to put her in an old folks

home. Lee Ah Mooi Old Folk's Home along Jalan Kayu then-

a complete run-down, stinking zinc-roofed lodging.

Ivy's mother's decision to pull her out of my home was a

painful one.

Firstly, Ivy's mother was getting old and thinking

ahead - Ivy would outlive her. She wants to leave this world

knowing that Ivy is taken care of in a old folk's home. Secondly,

Ivy's mother could not afford to foot the money payable to

Ministry of Community Development as a co-payment

for Ivy's monthly maintenance. After all, she was just a Bata

shoes production operator.

The doomsday came when Ivy was sent to the old folk's

home. When we reached there, I was not prepared for the

sight that greeted me. What I saw brought on a nightmare.

I wanted to cry from the minute I walked in. My mind could

not process the horror seen.

Ivy was allocated a lice-infested bed amongst the lifeless

old women around her. The many wooden beds were

packed to the eyeballs. The stench was stomach- churning.

She was doomed to a life of no love & attention. It seemed

that she was aware of the curtain closing on her life. The old

folk home had turned into a death trap for a life so young and

innocent. I sat on her bed, holding my hand tight, wanting to

go home. A reservoir of tears stored in my soul was

streaming down my cheeks. I could not compose myself.

My face hardened as I looked out the window towards the

grey sky. Inside, my motions were a mighty river. And my dam

was beginning to crack.

A grimace of pain & sadness passed over her face. She

casted a tender glance at me. Her wary eyes darted around.

Her little neck stretched as high as it could to look over the bed.

She was perching for a look of my car, parked along the sandy

path. She grasped my hand pointing to her pair of pink shoes

by her bedside. She wants home. The foster brother who

had wiped away the tears that had flowed, put the bandages

on wounds and cut her nails,she would probably not see for

eternity. But beginning today, someone else would if ever. As dusk gave way to night, I bade farewell to her, fully aware

that when she would need me the most, when her cry of despair

would roar through the heavens, I would sit in silence, unaware,

standing ready to wipe away any tears.

I visited her for four continuous nights and I left with a sense

of emptiness. I was in strong emotional fortitude and decided

to bring her back into the arms of grace. I grieved

initially - not for myself, but for Ivy. But I picked myself up

almost immediately, determined to do my best to help Ivy.

Each night I went home with an emptiness. A little something inside

me died. Her life was in limbo and things had gone all soft. A

part of me had been cruelly wrenched away. It was as if I had

stumbled into a time warp and been transported into another world,

where there was no security, no future and no hope for Ivy. There was alot of soul -searching. I just wish my mother would

give me the space to do what I want to do in this life for Ivy.

Unfortunately, life was not so accommodating. I fought tooth and

nail with my mother in her coming back home. The mention of Ivy

would be laced with bitterness. Cracks opened in our relationship.

My mother eyeballed me sternly before saying her final ultimatum,

in her usual deadpan tone - she wants Ivy out. She shouted at me in

Hokkien, saying, ' We have done enough good deeds for Ivy already!

Twenty-one long years! I'm getting old now, please don't burden

me anymore!'. It apparently caused her hormones to bubble.

She must have thought that I was a completely misguided soul. I felt a knot in my throat. 'Mother, please, Ivy does not take a lot of

effort to take care of. I can get a maid to look after her.' I know at best,

it was an absurd argument. I know she simply wants to draw an

icy cold line and wants me to move on, without Ivy. My mother

looked set to pull the trigger – point blank.

I began to make sense of what was happening and became

emotionally refrigerated. The repercussion was going to be

significant. And it did. But I felt assured that God will not let me

get into something I cannot handle.

Morning has broken

On the fifth day, I called up Ivy's mother and told her that I have

decided to bring Ivy back home. I followed my heart & trusted

my instincts. I was prepared for the messy aftermath of going

against my own mother.

Ivy’s mother was not apprehensive and accepted my decision

graciously. I explained to her and took the responsibility to take

care of Ivy. She did not asked me for an iron-clad guarantee that

I will fulfill this responsibility for good in all adversities. It is not

cast in stone. She then called the old folk's home to inform them

of Ivy's homecoming. Together we headed to fetch Ivy in Jalan

Kayu. When we reached there, Ivy was in a fearful state. The

medical orderly there said that she refused to be bathed apparently

out of fright. Her long cotton pants were torn and tattered. She

was then changed to a new set of clothing. Ivy looked perplexed

at first, not knowing what was happening. As usual, I wore her

pair of pink rubber shoes. By then she knew she would be

going home. Her face brightened up and stood up straight

after wearing her shoes. She was then from smiling ear

to ear, holding on to my hand tightly. Ivy's mother was at

the same time making the administrative arrangements.

They refused to refund her the $5,000 one-time fee for

putting Ivy there supposedly for good even though she

stayed for only four days. Her mother sighed. $5,000

from her life savings meant a lot for her. She walked

away looking resigned.

After the procedures had been done, we waved goodbye to the

old folk's home. Ivy turned her back and walked briskly to my car.

Once inside, she held on tightly knowing that she will not

want to come back again. As I drove along the winding and

sandy path along the track, my joy of seeing Ivy back home

suddenly turned to uneasiness. As the reality began to sink in,

the feelings surfaced.

I thought I have make no allowances for personal emotion, it was

a decision not a feeling of wanting to bring Ivy home. I swallowed

hard. After loosing much sleep & hair over it, I must withstand

all terrains. As I glanced at the rear view mirror, Ivy's lit-up face

cheered me on.

Her beaming face said it all. I'm passionate about decisions

made and it is hard for me to just let emotions ride. I am a

fighter who comes out on top, no matter what life throws at me.

Keeping a brave front, my car arrived home. Ivy was restlessly

looking around the familiar surroundings once again. My mother

answered the door. Ivy's beaming smile was silenced

by my mother's burning anger. She gave my mother a wounded

puppy's look. But my mother turned and walked away grimly

after opening the door for us.

I temporarily lost myself. In fact, there is no word from my mother,

period. And the silence is deafening. But Ivy's wary eyes

darted around. Not knowing that her `Promised Land' was

paid at a price. It was a solution looking for a problem. My

mother's face was tight with pent-up emotions, all ready to

burst at the seam on me. I know it was not going to be a walk

in the park.

Flying on Paper Wings Anyone would have empathised my mother, how could I refute

that. I have seen it each day myself and was very much part

of it. Sure she had enough, probably more than anyone could

imagine. But in me, the word 'burden' was no more in my

vocabulary.I vy and I have a bonding that transcended beyond

language. How could I sear through the spirit of humanity and

bring forth the unction.The words log-jammed in my throat.

The atmosphere between us was extremely frosty. In the

eyeball-to-eyeball confrontation with her, I could not afford

to blink. I was walking on an emotional tightrope.I felt in

my bones that I should fight on. But my soul was also

clogged with guilt in chaining my mother with this burden again.

I felt absolutely imprisoned. My mother was already at the autumn

of her life. I was greatly pinched between these two. I thought

I should not roll into the mud of empathy and to emotionally

disconnectmyself from Ivy.Nobody is better prepared to shoulder

that responsibility.I was in limbo, I lived every day with doubt;

I don't know where to pitch my emotions. My fourth sister

Geok Tim whom was closest to me, but wasn't always at the

same page with me. She had been encouraging me to put Ivy

back to the old folk's home, a better & cleaner one. She would

have thought that I was merely in a perpetual state of anaesthesia.

She seemed resolved to psych me out, asking me to put Ivy

aside and move on. I hated the popular self-help notions of

'closure' & 'moving on' trying to find some closure.But my

sister knows that I'm the decisive but cautious type, and

never make a decision without thorough thoughts and considerations.

She cautioned that I should not hazard everything on a single throw

of dice. It is going to be a long haul she warned. She wants to be

sure that I was in touch with my own feelings and not inevitably

opened a can of worms in my life. There is no right or wrong

about it. There are many things which need no such differentiation

of right and wrong.I made my point so clear to her that there was

no going back. I was very clear about it and I did not know why

she was not. I look set to bite the dust at all cost. I was firm on

something special. I have to stand that extra inch taller unmoved

by these barbs. It took her a long time to see the truth of my statement.

I must make my own judgments, which are not subject to anyone

else's agreement or approval. I have no one to please but myself.

Life is in the process, in the living, not in the outcome, and the

process of living is the process of making ourselves. Ivy's

own sister Jane Tham, a bank officer, called me, interrogating

me for my actions. I was held hostage by her answerless questions.

She made it clear to me that I do not have the jurisdiction to bring

Ivy out of the old folk's home. It was none of my business, she

reiterated – ‘Ivy is not related in any kind, form or blood to me’.

That was a cruel irony. Someone fighting to reject her own flesh

and blood – humiliating her own sister Ivy. She must have thought that

I was genetically modified to possess traits of taking care of Ivy for

nothing…absolutely no gain but surely the pain to come. Nobody is

better prepared to shoulder that burden.She must have the notion

that I had lost my bearings. I was a young and promising engineer

at the age of 28, only 3 years upon returning from my undergrad

studies in England . She thought that I would cop-out and

would eventually walk out of this mess when any crunch comes.

Obviously, Ivy's responsibility would befall on her.

We were light years apart but there was nothing senile about her words.

Her certain words carried strong emotional overtones. One who

plunges verbal ice-pick into hearts. That was unfortunate . Well,

it is just that people scold you because you have depicted the truth

and touched a raw nerve.She was a young woman then, about

25 years old, single. She would have to build her own family,

so was I. It will not be easy for any would-be spouse to accept

Ivy into a matrimonial home. Marriage has to be in some ways

been put on a pedestal.Before she hung up, I gave her my

iron-clad guarantee - there will be no turning back. And most

importantly, she would have absolutely no obligation to take

responsibility for her own sister. After she hung up, she was out

of my hair for good. Remember that I do not owe anyone

justification or explanations. I cannot just pretend that Ivy

came through my life like a sandstorm and disappeared

in what seemed like minutes.

The Long and Windy Road - Heaven Shall Reign

Through it all, I stuck to truth & authenticity. I was very pleased

that I stayed true to myself. I held my head high unrattled. But

I do not wish to wave a flag about it. I want to embrace her

life as long as I have mine. I stood the test of time. Life is a miracle of joy, I don't want to go yet. I do not want to let my life pass without having made a

difference to hers. A lifeline. I found my calling, I thought.

I illuminated her life like the passing moon. Ivy's whole life

and aura revolve around me, I cannot let go. It was as if

her life had come full circle. She seemed like such a wonderful being; I wanted people

to look past her disability and see her wonderful soul inside.

I do not know whether it is love, compassion or responsibility, but one thing I am very sure - there is no greater dignity and

joy than to give your life for others. I am glad I made the

choice. My heart is at peace. The years ahead may be cruel and the times may be hard, but I'll be there. No expenses are spared.

No corners are cut. Though I carried the torch for many years,

my satisfaction comes in the form of the ability to make

a difference, a higher calling than just simply for money. I believe that life is worth living for her , and that belief helps

create the fact for her. God used her to touch and change

many lives, especially mine. Life for Ivy has been like a cascade of dreams come true

again - for the good and better times. Dawn has come.

Ivy is back to her safe haven. She looks healthy and spirited.

She appeared to be in seventh heaven. Her fighting spirit makes small our sacrifices and

renews our determination to face new challenges. We are encouraged by Ivy's own determination to

progress and drew strength from her efforts. Her every

little achievement makes it all worthwhile. Whilst walking in faith & clinging to God's promises was

not easy. But it is hard to be without light in a dark world.

I carried the torch for many years and many more to come. I was faced with choices you wish you did not have to make.

Only I will live these moments and their consequences.

Be square with myself. Nothing and no else matters. I must recognise and accept the way I feel as normal and

necessary. I will do my best to accept that today I must

live with uncertainty - in the altered landscape of our home.

Whatever journey lay before us we would make it together.

The enormity of her future loomed in front of me but I must

not be cowed by its threat. I am ready for whatever life chose

to throw at me. I am not one to give up easily. Though at times it is emotionally and psychologically draining

but inside me there is a peaceful sanctuary. The most

important element in the world is another human being. Money No Enough

Since 1985 when I first brought Ivy back from the old folks

home, the Ministry of Community Development had stopped

financial aid including medical care. The decision made

to take care of Ivy comes with great responsibility both

financially and emotionally. Was it calculated risk I took

before I made the decision? No, it was not calculated at all.

If I ever did, I would have a nervous breakdown.

For the record, I do not a have deep pocket nor was I

born with a silver spoon from a pedigreed background.

But earned enough to put food on the table for a family

of eight - my mother, myself, wife, three young children, Ivy and

a maid. My bank account has not been 'scraping the

bottom' before pay day. Thank God for His provision. When my children were at pre-school age, the children

needed more attention from the maid. Ivy was soon

neglected at times. I decided to hire another mainly to

take care Ivy. She needs full attention right changing,

using the toilet, bathing...whatever a two-year old child

needed. A high- octane effort all year round. But after

four years, family expenses mounted, I had to make do

with just one maid. In year 1996, Ivy was featured on the very first 'Extraordinary

People' series. It enacted on how she came into our lives

and lived through years under our care. Ivy was once

again featured on second season of the 'Extraordinary People' series - Changing Lives. The producer of the programme hoped

to relive the last season since first series in 1996. It won

Television Corporation of Singapore an prize in the documentary category. The second series was repeatedly telecasted both

in the Chinese and English channels in Singapore .

It was also widely shown in the Asian TV channels including

Hong Kong , Thailand and India . After the telecast, I received

numerous offer to help Ivy in various ways. One neighbourhood hair salon offered free monthly haircuts for Ivy. I guess the salon

owner had seen the scene on the programme where me

and my wife were giving a half-baked haircut at home for Ivy.

A long-time friend of mine was so touched that he immediately

sent a cheque of $500(in which I refused to bank-in). A stranger,

Lee KC, wrote to me emails repeatedly, offering to support

Ivy financially. I thanked him for his good gesture and declined him entirely. My Honey, My Wife

My skirt-chasing days was about to sprint ahead with great

potential, I thought. Armed with an UK honours degree

and my well-heeled engineer job in an American multinational

I thought it put me in good stead. But with Ivy on the tow, it

would be an instant turn-off with any sensible woman. Who would ever want to start a family with you having a ready-made mentally

handicapped 'child'?. Worst of all, a 'child' that is not mine,

of flesh and blood. Let alone start a courtship on the wrong footing.

My stake on the board is a sure loser. It does not take a rocket

scientist to figure out that. I believe in marriage but at that time of

my life, it was not on my card. But then again, I was not getting

younger. And I felt I was not model material that women would

make a beeline for me. Redeemly married female colleagues

often said I displayed some 'good husband' materials....whatever that meant. In all honesty, I knew it was a risky decision to have Ivy in the haul.

I needed a strong heart to face rejection of marriage and

liquidate everything. Reality finally hit home. Ivy had always faced disapproving looks from the rest of society. The shadow of rejection

is always present. This thought cast a long shadow on my mind. After losing much sleep and hair over my marriage proposal, I

looked set to bite the dust. It was a long shot. I felt a knot in my

heart, the social repercussion is significant. But I thank God

that I have found a woman whom is willing to toe the line. Ivy was

my burden and she was willing to share it with me. She did

not had to do it, didn't she?. She is Debbie Pang – my beloved wife. I was pleasantly surprised that Ivy was never on the negotiation

table for our marriage agreement - the ultimatum of Ivy or her. We finally got married in 1990. On our wedding dinner, I ensured

that my family members bring Ivy along to the dinner. She sat happily

beside the VIP table. But in the midst of the wedding toast , Ivy

suddenly disappeared from her seat. I was shaken. Later I found

out that she was whisked away under wraps to our bridal hotel

room. I was furious because I was told that she should be

kept away during this auspicious occasion as Ivy was attracting

awkard stares at the VIP table. I immediately commanded my

sister to bring her back to the wedding dinner. It has been 17 years since we married. My wife, Debbie, had not

a hint of regret niggled at the back of her mind and more than

willing to last the distance with me. Knowing fully well that it is

unlikely that we will have to fight only one or two battles ahead for Ivy.

On both the personal and the public front, it is a long road.

And it has been. We are like astronauts, jettisoning the booster

rockets, shooting into the deep, dark space, trusting that the moon is there, waiting for our arrival. Debbie had come to accept her

on her terms and open herself to whatever discoveries and

surprises Ivy may lead her to. It is a lifelong calling and she was very forthcoming to any cracks that might open in our relationship. My wife Debbie is a woman who lived a life beyond extraordinary,

personified grace and humility. She projected the strength, character,

heart and substance to take care of Ivy with me.

Voices from Ivy - If Ever Born into this cold dark world with a twisted Down Syndrome body.

My life was doomed as it was and into a broken family. My father

had just left home for good.He had never seen me and never will.

Let alone my two elder sisters, born perfectly normal and now

married with their own children. Both had never bothered to see

me since birth. I longed so much to see both of you.

Don't you ever feel guilty rejecting your own flesh and blood?

Please, visit me soon before it is too late....a guilt that you

would never wash away. Probably as what my foster brother mentioned, they both fear

the burden of having to take care of me when my mother

passes away one day and my foster brother would turn his

back on me. But I know he never will. It is cold and

harsh and real, I felt victimized by my circumstances. But why would a stranger to my family sacrifice his life for

me and not someone whom has the same blood and

flesh do likewise? But I bear no malice against anyone.

This is a human tragedy. I saw my whole life before

my eyes. I could do nothing. It was really frightening. I have always had these disapproving looks from the rest of society. I believe God knows that my own sisters in blood chose to

reject me. He raised my foster brother to this mammoth

task. I felt sorry for him and his family. Many a time, I could see his face etched clearly were his feelings of despair, fatigue

and helplessness. The world could not understand....human love. He has weathered the storms of life and it has worn him thin

in his spirit being and burnt-out at times. He has always been

inundated with the same question on why he bothers to take up his

cross and burden himself. I am so sorry that what I am is causing

you a great deal of discomfort. You are one beyond money and status. My life and my soul are both resurrected because of you.

I hold you up with great respect. I look at your life as my only

emblem of hope in this world. You are my daily manna from heaven.

You make me a trophy of your love. I will never ever able to

repay you in this life.... and you know it very well and you still

chose to do so.

I thank you with love. I will never ever able to repay you

and your family in this life. I am sad to cause you so much

pain in your years.

Yet even when two well-known doctors from SGH and

Mt Elizabeth Hospital pronounced that you were about

to die in the year 1992 within 6 months, you still chose

not to abandon me. I know you never will, even on

your death bed. Thank God you live on….I know you will.

Twice in 1992, when you were on your deathbed in SGH

you quickly arranged for your sister to take care of me

temporarily in her home. But you pulled through alive

and you brought me back into your home of grace again.

Tears In Heaven - More chapters ahead.... Fully Written By Hong Geok Hua (unedited version)